


Date Disaster!

by KC_R



Category: Hollow Knight (Video Games)
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Ercu is Pale Lurker, Everyone cherishes baby Ghost, F/F, Fire, Ghost is so god damn baby, God Tamer is Tiso's Ex, God Tamer is an ass, God Tamer is smoking to annoy Tiso, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Hollow is also baby, M/M, My Favorite Gay Boys Going on a Date, Thanks Skye for the names, This Hornet hates PK, This is my first time writing a few of these characters, Tiso sets up a date, Xena is God Tamer, accidental poisoning, but they're still friends, but they’re baby x100, sorry if I wrote them wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:09:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29346408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KC_R/pseuds/KC_R
Summary: Tiso has everything prepared. He's found an abandoned restaurant, he's recruited his closest and only friends to pose as the staff, he's collected flowers, and he's asked Quirrel to go on a date with him. Nothing could go wrong... right?
Relationships: God Tamer/Pale Lurker (Hollow Knight), Quirrel/Tiso (Hollow Knight)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 20





	Date Disaster!

The tears of the city poured down in heavy sheets, battering their shells with an intense force that would have likely knocked down more bugs, but these two bugs were strong, stronger than most, and one of the two bugs was doing his best to hide his intense blush that coated his face, blushing at the approaching date that he had set up.

“It sure is coming down, how far away is this restaurant, my dear friend?” Quirrel asked, wringing some water out of his antenna. 

“It’s just up ahead, we’re almost there. Yeah! See? It’s right there!” Tiso says, pointing at the distant restaurant with the closed umbrella in his hands. Sure enough, the lumafly lights shined through the rain, large letters spelling out “The Frost and Flame Diner''. Tiso shifted uncomfortably, the flowers he was storing beneath his shirt causing his chest to itch like there was a live-bug inside of the bundle. 

It had taken so much time and effort just to get new lumaflies into the sign, and although Tiso didn’t enjoy the aesthetic, he could agree that it looked good. He only hoped that Quirrel thought it looked good as well.

The first thing Tiso was hit with as he opened the door to the restaurant was the awful smell of cigar smoke. Xena, one of the many bugs he had asked to help him with this date, and who he requested not smoke in the building, was smoking with her feet up on the counter. Tiso growled at her while Quirrel was shaking the water off of himself. She groaned and put the cigar out on the counter, blowing the ash toward Tiso before getting to her feet. 

“Welcome to the Super Soul Bar, how can I help you today?” Xena asked. What the fuck. That wasn’t the name they agreed on, why the fuck did she call it that? That sounded lame as fuck!

“A table for two, please,” Tiso said between clenched teeth, shaking himself off.

“Right this way, and please remember to use your umbrella when you next go out,” Xena said in a snarky voice. Tiso almost facepalmed at the realization that he had forgotten to use the umbrella that he had bought from Lemm. Gods dammit. He placed it down next to the door, leaving the door a crack open so that the smoke could escape. 

Xena led the two to one of the many empty tables, one that, noticeably, had three chairs around it. She pulled out two of the chairs, standing aside to let Tiso and Quirrel sit. Tiso, finally at the table, pulled the vase of flowers and bottle of soul out, placing both on the table. He had stolen the jar from the Soul Sanctum, it gave off a dim, romantic glow, like how the light reflected off of the Blue Lake and onto the cavern ceiling far above. 

“Wow, you really came prepared, huh? I’m quite impressed that a restaurant is still running even after the Infection.” Quirrel said, looking over the somewhat dusty building and all of the empty tables. “Say, Tiso, isn’t that your ex?” He said while pointing at Xena.

“Oh, yeah… um, you know, post-infection, a lot of open jobs, a lot of people need geo these days,” Tiso explained. Thankfully, Quirrel bought the awful lie, somehow. 

“What a crazy coincidence! Do I need to ask her for permission to date you? I heard that that’s important in some cultures, especially after marriage bites.” Quirrel said, pointing at the scar on Tiso’s neck. Tiso’s face turned a brilliant red and he pulled his cloak up to cover the scar.

“That is not from her, it’s not from a previous relationship. It’s from one of my many heroic deeds.” Tiso explains. A long, awkward silence follows, finally broken when Lemm approaches with a pair of stone tablets, the menu of the restaurant inscribed upon them. 

Without saying anything, he places both of them on the table in front of either bug. Quirrel reaches toward the menu to examine it and Lemm has the audacity to slap his hand away. “No touching the relics!” He hisses. Tiso shoots him an angry glare, to which Lemm pointedly ignores.

“Oh, I’m very sorry, I didn’t realize,” Quirrel says before skimming through the menu. Tiso joins him in looking, although he already knows what he wants. Lemm stands silently next to them, staring with great disinterest. 

“I would like the spicy hopper steak with the strongest alcohol you have, please,” Tiso says with an air of confidence. All attention is now turned to Quirrel, who stares at the menu with the most neutral smile Tiso has ever seen. “What would you like, my dear damsel?” Tiso asks, trying to sound cool and only earning a laugh from Xena and a cackle from Ercu, who has emerged from her cubby underneath the bar.

“I have only just realized I cannot read anything, I must’ve forgotten due to my amnesia,” Quirrel says in surprise. “What do you think I’d like, Tiso?” He asks. Oh fuck, fuck fuck fuck, what does Quirrel like? Would Quirrel find it weird if he ordered him alcohol? 

“Uhh, what do you like, my soft bookwyrm? I’m sure if you want something, they could easily make it.” Tiso asks, leaning against the table and attempting to be romantic. Lemm visibly grimaces, but Quirrel looks genuinely flattered. Xena is laughing from behind the counter, holding two cigars between her fingers this time.

“In that case, I’d like a plain salad please, preferably a smaller one, I’m truthfully not too hungry tonight,” Quirrel says before pulling a handkerchief out of his shell and placing it gently in his lap. Despite forgetting how to read, Quirrel apparently hasn’t forgotten his manners (something he teased Tiso about constantly. ‘Pleases’ were always needed when Tiso asked for something). 

“Would you like a drink with that?” Lemm asked as he carefully picked the menus back up (this was when Tiso realized he was wearing gloves so as to not “damage” the “relics”).

“Maybe a cup of tea, if you have any on hand. I understand how hard it is to come across it in this day and age of Hallownest.” Quirrel said. Lemm nodded before beginning to walk off. “Wait a minute, aren’t you Lemm? The Relic Seeker?” He asked. “My! I barely recognized you!”

“Yes… it is me. I have looked the exact same since you first showed up at my door. Nothing has changed about my appearance.” Lemm grumbles, placing the menus into protective cases.

“I never thought you to be the hostess type,” Quirrel says, tapping his chin in thought, pondering this new information.

“Well, tax season is coming up, I need the extra money, and this is apparently the only job in the entirety of Hallownest.” Lemm lied, very unconvincingly.

Lemm finally left, leaving the two lovebugs to themselves. Quirrel takes a look around the restaurant. There were many lit candles set on the other tables and windowsills, and paintings lined the walls. Oddly enough, all of them were of the Nailsmith posed in seductive positions. What odd decorum! And quite an interesting experience! Was this how restaurants were before the fall of Hallownest? Did most restaurants have these types of paintings? How fascinating!

Tiso was also starting to notice the paintings, and his flushed face only grew darker. Gods fucking dammit. This was the last time he’s ever letting Xena help him in any way, shape, or form. This was still salvageable, though, he could fix this.

“So, my dearest scholar,” Tiso said, loudly enough to get Quirrel’s attention. “How have your studies in the Archives been?” He asked.

“Well, truthfully I haven’t had much time to study recently, I’ve been working as a courier since I’m so familiar with the layout of Hallownest, having studied it across two lifetimes. But, in my free time, I’ve been restudying the notes on the effects of hypothermia on bugs!” Quirrel explains. 

Meanwhile, Tiso is looking at him and listening with the most genuine interest he’s ever shown to any bug before in his life. It would be much less fun to ruin Tiso’s date if he wasn’t so absolutely in love with Quirrel. Every word, every laugh, every noise, every everything that Quirrel does is instantly recorded to Tiso’s otherwise empty brain.

Xena laughs to herself. “You doing alright down there, honey?” She asks, crouching down to check in on Ercu. Ercu had disappeared while she was distracted. That’s okay, Ercu can take care of herself, but if she doesn’t come back soon, Xena will go out to look for her.

Hornet isn’t in the kitchen, but Ghost is lighting the stoves using Grimmchild. “Hey, kid. Where’s your sister?” Ghost points at the door before gently placing Grimmchild on the stove. The kid snuggles up on the stovetop as the controlled flames warm them. Xena would be concerned, but it’s not her kid, and therefore not her problem. “Have you seen Ercu anywhere? And where’s Myla? I thought she was supposed to be here?”

“She was busy.” The child signs before pointing towards the freezer door with one of their chubby fingers.

The freezer door is opened only by a crack, stale, rotten air escaping from it. Xena approaches it with caution, for the sounds of tearing and crunching she can hear inside are worrying if only because this place was supposed to be empty. She pulls the freezer door open the rest of the way, only to be greeted by Ercu laying on the floor in a pile of rot, eating rancid eggs, left behind by some creature many years ago.

“Ercu,” Xena says with a sigh. “What are you doing?”

“Lunch!” Ercu answers with a full mouth, dribbles of rotten juices and saliva running down her chin. It would be cute if she wasn’t eating literal rot.

“Isn’t all of that disgusting?” She asks. The smell has just hit her again, and she stops herself from gagging.

Ercu nods enthusiastically before shoving another egg into her mouth. “They’re disgusting, each worse than the last, but I know that a good one is hiding in here somewhere, I just gotta find it.” She explains.

“You’ve eaten enough, you’re gonna feel sick later if you don’t stop. It’s time to go back to the cubby.” Xena says. Ercu’s eyes boy wide and she scrambles to the back of the freezer. 

“I’m not going back! You can’t make me!” She hisses.

“The hell I can’t!” Xena growls. The sounds of crashing, yells, and eggs being crushed could only slightly be heard through the reinforced walls, but a few minutes later, Xena emerged from the lukewarm freezer with Ercu slung over her shoulder. “I’m sending you back to the cubby,” Xena said, approaching the door out of the kitchen.

“NOOOOOOO!!!” Ercu screamed, thrashing with all her might. Xena slammed out of the kitchen and forced Ercu back underneath the counter and into her cubby. “This is fine, actually,” Ercu said, patting the walls for a moment before cozying up with the blanket Xena had provided her.

Quirrel turned around to look towards the kitchen with a worried look. “Are they okay in there?” He asked.

Tiso cursed under his breath, watching as Xena and Ercu wrestled. “Yeah, they’re fine. Probably a management dispute.” He said, not very convincingly. “Don’t worry about them, they’ve got everything under control.” He said loud enough for the pair of wrestling girls to hear. Xena gave him a thumbs up before pulling out her box of cigars again, grabbing three this time.

“So, Tiso, what’ve you been up to recently? How’s Brooks?” Quirrel asked, returning to his front-facing position. Their eyes connected and Tiso’s heart did a somersault. 

“Umm, well, I haven’t been doing much. Brooks cocooned recently, so I’ve been staying with them in their room, and now that they’re out I’ve been working out to burn off the fat I gained.” Tiso explained.

“Aww, you should’ve come to me first, I’d love to see you a bit thicker than usual. And plus, there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of fat. I’ll admit that I’ve gotten a bit wider during my years at Hallownest.” Quirrel said with a large grin. Tiso felt his face heat up at the idea that Quirrel would still love him no matter what shape he’s in.

"Sorry, I'm just a bit surprised. In the Colony, everyone was so obsessed with staying in peak performance. I guess I'm still getting used to being able to get comfortable." Tiso explained, a blush covering his face.

Xena laughed to herself as she watched Tiso’s face turn a bright, strawberry red once again. “Hey, Ercu. I’m gonna check in on the kitchen again, I would appreciate it if you didn’t.” She said. Ercu stuck her tongue out, bits of rancid eggs still stuck to her chin and tongue. She crouched down to give Ercu a kiss on the cheek, before using a dusty napkin to wipe the rot off. Ercu giggled and pressed a quick kiss on her lips before returning to tearing up a pile of napkins.

Suddenly, the door swung open, and in walked Zote. Xena groaned, and Ercu peeked up over the counter. 

“A table for one!” Zote demanded.

“Yeah, that’s gonna be a no from me. Buzz off.” Xena hissed. Zote gasped.

“You filthy cur! You dare speak like that to Zote the Mighty? I’ll have you know I have vanquished thousands of foes in battle, and I could easily slash you down with my sword, Life Ender!” Zote said, raising his blade into the air and waving it threateningly.

“Shut up. This is why Bretta doesn’t fucking love you.” Xena growled. Zote went silent, sword falling to his side, a look of distraught written across his face. He silently shuffled into a corner of the restaurant, before sitting down, and beginning to cry to himself.

“Keep an eye on him. Make sure he doesn’t try and start reciting his precepts. If he does, rip his head off.” Xena whispers. Ercu gives a quick nod and a thumbs up.

As Xena reenters the kitchen as Hornet drags in two web covered corpses. “Oo, what’ve you got there, princess?” Xena says. Hornet drops the two bundles on the counter and begins cutting the webbing away.

"The freezer was empty and pure of heart, dumb of ass out there forgot to get food, so I went out to get some meat for the meal.” She says. 

“Well, Quirrel ordered a salad so you might need to make a quick run to Greenpath,” Xena said, putting her cigars out on her knee. Hornet looks up at her like she’s insulted at Quirrel’s dietary choices.

“What the fuck is a salad?” Hornet asks. Xena is dumbfounded, which is quickly interrupted by one of the bundles beginning to squirm. “Oh, it’s starting to wake up.”

“What do you mean ‘it’s starting to wake up’?” Tamer asked.

“Well you see, in Deepnest, we usually keep our prey alive until it’s ready to be eaten. I thought this would be a good time to teach Ghost of the Deepnest traditions and practices, as well as how to perform a killing blow.” Hornet explained. Ghost gave a thumbs up before beginning to pull on the silk wrapped around the second not-so-dead corpse.

The all-too-familiar legs of a Great Hoppper burst through the webbing, knocking Ghost backward off the table. Xena dashed forward, grabbing Ghost before they hit their head on the floor. Hornet, perhaps sensing that Ghost wasn’t going to be able to fight the beast, pulled out her needle. The Great Hopper roared, attempting to jump but instead slamming into the ceiling. The other bug awoke, its large wings breaking out from its coverings. It let out a loud screech.

“What in the gods names is going on here?!?” Lemm yelled as he entered. Lemm, for the first time in at least three decades, screamed as the Vengfly King attempted to escape through the door he opened. 

“Oh dear, it sounds like a beast is on the loose in there. Should we go help them?” Quirrel asked, worry heavy in his voice. 

“I’m sure they have it under control, don’t worry. Say, could you remind me how you record information on the acid-tubes?” He asked, grabbing Quirrel’s hand to pull the pillbug’s attention back to him. 

“I’ve told you at least a thousand times, don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten again.” Quirrel teased.

“Oh you know me, I’ve got an awful memory.” That was a lie. If you asked Tiso to recite everything Quirrel has ever told him, he would be able to with relative ease. He could probably write in the acid tubes better than most archivists back in the prime of Hallownest.

The Vengly King attempted to escape through the lobby, but Ercu tackled it to the ground. It struggled, thankfully staying in relative silence, and eventually managed to throw her off, before flying out of the door that Tiso left open earlier.

“Dammit!” Hornet yelled, running out of the kitchen, attracting the two men’s attention.

“Oh! Hi Hornet! You work here too?” Quirrel asked.

“Um, no, I’m job-shadowing.” She answered, running out through the door after the large bug that Quirrel had managed to miss. Xena ran out of the kitchen after Hornet.

“Princess! Get your ass back in here!” She screamed.

“I must go catch the beast! Weaver tradition!” Hornet yelled back.

“Well fuck you! This is why you’re an orphan!” Xena yelled before returning to the kitchen, mumbling to herself. Hornet flew back in through the door, slamming directly into Xena and knocking her to the floor.

“Don’t talk about my mother like that! You can make fun of my dad being dead, but not my mom! Fuck you!” She hissed before running back out of the building. Xena pushes herself back to her feet, quickly retreating to the kitchen. Lemm emerged from the kitchen next.

“I’m terribly sorry to inform you that we are experiencing difficulties in preparing your meal, I hope you don’t mind,” Lemm explained, out of breath as he approached, blood covering his chest.

“We don’t mind. Is everything okay back there?” Quirrel asked.

“Yes, everything is fine. No need to worry.” Lemm mumbled, wiping some of the blood off his beard.

“Well, at least the meat will be fresh!” Quirrel joked.

“You have no idea, Quirrel,” Lemm grumbled.

“Hey, are our drinks almost ready?” Tiso asked, becoming antsy even though he was still holding Quirrel’s hand.

“Yeah, they’re on their way,” Lemm grumbled before returning to the kitchen. 

Most of the kitchen was destroyed by the Great Hopper’s rampage. Anything that even resembled silverware was destroyed, and the blood of the Hopper painted the walls. 

“Okay, since Hornet is gone, and Myla isn’t showing up, we’re gonna need to cook. Does anyone here know how to cook?” Xena asked as she paced back and forth. Lemm and Ghost shook their heads. “Okay, what about you, you no good fire baby?” She asked. Grimmchild chirped before breathing out the equivalent of a full-on flamethrower. “Right, so you aren’t cooking either. Ghost, I need you to make the drinks and salad. I’ll work on the steak. And Lemm, I need you to fix our new lack of silverware.” She ordered.

“I thought you hated this fool. Why’re you so intent on helping him?” Lemm grumbled as he started trying to un-bend the twisted metal.

“I don’t hate him. He’s my ex, and he’s still my friend. Do I want to ruin his date? No. Do I want to make it as awkward as possible? Yes. I don’t want Quirrel to dump him, because Quirrel makes him happier than anyone else in the world. What the fuck kinda friend would I be if I ruined his chance?” Xena explained.

Lemm grumbled at the realization that he wasn’t getting out of this that easily. 

“Stop being a little bitch, go find some silverware!” She yelled. Lemm scrambled away. “You got this, kid? There should be some alcohol and tea leaves in the closet.” Xena said. 

Ghost gave her a thumbs up before rushing off to the closet. This would be easy! They’d seen Quirrel make a salad before, they just needed the green bits and they could make one easy peasy! They pushed the heavy closet door open, and sure enough, there were tea leaves and alcohol. The bottle had a large X over an image of a tiktik, along with some words Ghost didn’t know. All of Hornet’s alcohol had X’s on it, and this bottle had an X on it, so, obviously, it must be what Tiso wanted! 

Plants had begun growing in the closet. Small mushrooms, grass, leaves, moss, everything Ghost needed to make a salad! They tore at the earth with their chubby fingers, brushing the dirt off of the moss and grass, before shoving it all in a dusty bowl. Next was the alcohol. Ghost wasn’t allowed to drink this stuff, so they carefully poured the bottle into a tall glass. The liquid hissed at them, but quickly settled down. They pulled open the tin of tea leaves and poured some into an empty glass. That wasn’t right. Tea was supposed to be liquid, not leaves! They grabbed the salad, the cup of tea leaves, and the cup of alcohol and pushed the door open again. Lemm was gone, Grimmchild was asleep, and Xena was hard at work trying to cook the steak.

Ghost climbed onto the counter, placing the cup of tea leaves underneath the sink and pulling the rusted handle until water began to pour out. It was brown, just like tea was. They did it! Hornet would be so proud when she learned that they had made tea all on their own. They grabbed the two cups and pushed out of the kitchen, headed for the only occupied table.

“Oh! What a surprise! I didn’t know you worked here too, Ghost!” Quirrel said with a large smile across his face. Ghost nodded eagerly, offering the cups to either bug. Quirrel looked at his cup suspiciously, while Tiso grabbed his drink and almost instantly drank down as much as he could. He grimaced at the taste. 

“Um, Ghost, my dearest friend. Did you… put these drinks together?” Quirrel asked. Ghost nodded enthusiastically, so hard that they almost fell backward. “Well, it looks very nice.” Quirrel lied, placing the cup back on the table. Ghost was ecstatic as they ran back to the kitchen, only to be stopped when the door swung open.

“What’s going on here? What’re all these poor bugs doing in my restaurant?” Emilita asked as she entered the building. Ghost froze. How were they supposed to react? “Oh, it’s you, mister ‘king of Hallownest’. What’re you doing here? You do realize I own this restaurant, right?” She asked, crouching down to be face to face with them.

They pointed at themselves. “Yes, I’m talking to you. This building does not belong to you, get out.” The noblebug hissed. Ghost shook their head, pointing at Tiso and Quirrel. “What about them? They don’t own this building either. I’m going to go call the guards if you don’t leave now.” She threatened.

This scared Ghost, to the point, that they forgot that all of the Cities guards were very much dead.

“That’s enough, Emilita.” Hornet hissed as she reentered the building, dragging the deceased corpse of a Vengfly King. 

“Ah, the Princess of Hallownest. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset your royalness! Do you want me to kiss your royal ass next?” Emilita said, sarcastic enough that even Hornet could tell it was.

“Emilita, I am genuinely going to beat the shit out of you. Get out before I get Hollow to come and throw you into the Ancient Basin.” Hornet growled. 

“Oh, I’m so scared! The one-armed brute is going to come and hurt me!” She cried, dramatically falling backward and draping herself over the counter. “That thing couldn’t hurt a fly, much less scare me.” As if called, the door was pushed open again, and Hollow’s large head pushed through, followed by their arm. Emilita let out a screech, running into the kitchen and then out of the building. “I’ll be back with my lawyer!” She screamed on her way out.

“Good riddance. Ah, Hollow. What’re you doing here?” Hornet asked. Hollow hugged the stuffed tiktik they were holding closer to their chest, crawling into the building and partially damaging the doorway. They took a seat on the floor, pulling their legs close to their body.

“Woke up. You weren’t there. Scared. Came to find you.” They signed, rocking gently back and forth, but their size caused the floorboards of the building to strain.

“No worries, Hollow. I will be home soon, and then I can cuddle with you for the rest of the day.” Ghost excitedly jumped up and down, pulling on Hornet’s cloak. “Yes, Ghost. You can join in on the cuddling as well. We’re a little busy right now, so please head home and we’ll meet you there.” 

Hollow’s head sank in sadness at the realization that Hornet was not going to walk them home. She sighed. “I’ll give you a honey treat if you hurry home.” The bribe was successful, and Hollow nodded enthusiastically. Hornet and Ghost left the lobby, heading back into the kitchen and leaving Hollow by themself. They looked around the room, ignoring the strange paintings, until their eyes eventually landed on Tiso and Quirrel. Their friends! They were here!

“Can alcohol expire? Because that drink didn’t taste right. It might’ve expired.” Tiso grumbled. Suddenly, an arm wrapped around him and hoisted him into the air. Tiso let out a squeal, struggling intensely to get out of the grip. Quirrel let out a hearty laugh.

“What a surprise to see you here as well, Hollow! I can’t imagine that you work here too, you barely fit in the building!” Quirrel joked. Hollow tilted their head in confusion.

“Oh? Is that a friend you’ve got there?” Quirrel asked, pointing at the toy tiktik. Hollow pointed at the still struggling Tiso. “No, not him, the toy tiktik you’ve got!” Quirrel said with a laugh. 

Hollow dropped Tiso, who quickly skittered away and back to his chair, desperately smoothing out the new wrinkles in his suit.

Hollow showed off the tiktik, holding it like one would a sandwich. “How very nice! Do you have any other friends?” Quirrel asked. Hollow raised their arm, and an array of toys fell from their cloak, scattering across the floor. They picked up a toy stag, shaking it from side to side so that its long legs waved around.

“Toy from sister, from father. Stag, very soft.” They signed before pushing the toy back up their cloak. Next, they grabbed a toy fluke, squeezing it roughly. It squeaked loudly. “Toy from sister, fluke, splits into two.” They signed, pointing at the zipper on the fluke’s midsection. They picked up a toy of the Pale King. “Found this one. Of father. Comforting.” They signed.

They yawned. “Naptime. Must go home.” Hollow signed, shoving the rest of the toys into their cloak and quickly hugging Quirrel, before leaving the restaurant. A few moments later, Lemm emerged from the kitchen holding a pair of plates. Atop one was a steaming, slightly burnt steak, and on the other was a bowl of assorted greens that looked mostly clean. 

“Ah! Our food arrives!” Quirrel said, moving his mug of tea leaves and elbows to make room on the table. The food actually looked appetizing! Quirrel would certainly be impressed! A pair of torn napkins were placed on the table, along with a pair of Kings Idols and a nail. Fuck.

“Thank you very much, and could we get the check now? My friend just drank a whole glass of alcohol and I fear we might not be able to pay later.” Quirrel asked. Fuck fuck fuck, Quirrel was getting bored, Tiso needed to do something to crank the romance up to 100 as soon as possible! 

As soon as Lemm walked away, Tiso took up Quirrel’s hand. “May I have a kiss, my love?” He asked. Quirrel let out a gentle laugh. 

“Sure, as long as you promise to give me another later.” He put a hand on the side of Tiso’s face, drawing him closer, both leaning across the table so their lips could connect. A quick kiss, that knocked the breath out of Tiso. He did his best to not pant, silently regaining his breath. Quirrel licked his lips, in thought for a moment. “Is that pesticide?” He asked, pointing at the glass of alcohol. 

“Uh, I don’t think so, how do you know what pesticide tastes like?” Tiso asked.

“Don’t worry about it. Well, let’s dig in!” Quirrel said, picking up his Kings Idol and stabbing it into the salad. Tiso picked up the nail and Kings Idol, cutting into the meat. 

“Say, is that Ghost’s nail?” Quirrel asked, pointing at Tiso’s utensil.

“Uh, no. It’s not.” Tiso answered, shoving the piece of meat into his mouth.

Quirrel nodded, looking at the utensil over again, before their eyes connected again. Out of the corner of Tiso’s eyes, he saw a mosscreep crawling out of the vase of flowers. Oh shit! “Hey, Quirrel, what's that over there?” Tiso said, pointing out one of the windows. Quirrel turned around, looking out the window. Tiso grabbed the mosscreep out of the vase and threw it into the kitchen.

“I don’t see it, what is it you were pointing at?” Quirrel asked.

“Damn, you must’ve missed it!” Tiso lied.

“That's disappointing. Anyways, Tiso, tell me about your tribe's marriage ceremonies.” Quirrel said, returning to his position facing Tiso. Tiso almost choked on his food.

“Well, um… we didn’t have marriage in… oh--” Tiso collapsed onto the ground, from either the pesticide he drank, or from embarrassment.

Things weren’t going any better in the kitchen. As soon as Ghost returned to the kitchen, they began waving their dreamnail at… nothing. What Ghost saw was the spirit of a chef, who was now using their soul to throw utensils at them. 

“Bastard thief! You have stolen from me and you will pay the price!” The chef yelled. 

Emilita had returned with a dried-up husk, who she claimed was once her lawyer, and was currently in a screaming match with Hornet, who was one scream away from stabbing the noble. Xena let out a chuckle, pulling the rest of the cigars she had bought from Grimm. She didn’t have any more matches, but thankfully she had a demon baby. She grabbed Grimmchild, squeezing its body. Grimmchild spit out a huge fireball, blasting the cigars out of Xena’s hand. 

“Fuck! Fuck fuck! Gods Dammit!” She cursed, along with a string of curses. The flames consumed the cigars, and quickly spread across the rotten floors. “Oh shit! Fire! Get out of the building!” Xena screamed. Ghost turned, seeing the crawling flames, and quickly abandoning their fight with the chef, who vanished as soon as the flames began consuming the stoves. As soon as the smoke hit her nose, Hornet shoved Emilita to the ground and ran outside.

The group of four bugs gathered at the front of the restaurant. Ercu leaped through a window, scrambling over to Xena.

“Where the fuck is Tiso and Quirrel?” Xena asked. 

“They’re dead!” Ercu cried, tears and soot staining her face.

“How do you know? Did you see them get consumed by the flames?” Hornet asked.

“No, but Tiso was on the floor, and I didn’t see Quirrel! They might not be dead!” Ercu explained, doing the exact opposite of confirming her claims.

“I’m going back in for them! I fucked this date up, I’m not letting them burn because of me!” Xena yelled, pushing past her girlfriend and running into the building. Flames licked up the walls of the lobby, consuming the paintings and creeping closer to the pair of unconscious bugs at the center of the room. Several planks of wood had collapsed onto Quirrel, and a puddle of spittle and bile pooled around Tiso’s mouth. Grimmchild flew over and landed on her shoulder, apparently unaffected by the raging inferno around them. Xena hoisted up the two bugs onto her shoulders, making a run back for the door. The wooden frame of the door collapsed, trapping them inside. 

She turned to the broken window that Ercu had leaped through, throwing Tiso’s skinny ass through it, before jumping through it herself, just as the ceiling gave in. Hornet rushed to Tiso’s side, and a moment later Tiso began coughing, vomiting up the rest of the pesticide they had drunk. Quirrel similarly came back too within a few minutes, rubbing at his head.

“Well, I’m certainly not paying taxes for that this year. You all can deal with it since it’s your restaurant now.” Emilita said before pulling out an umbrella and walking away, back to her house.

The group sat in silence, watching as the building burned to the ground. A moment later, Lemm ran up to the door. “What the fuck happened? I left for five minutes to go to the bathroom and you burned the building down! I allowed you bastards to use my precious relics as utensils and you fucking destroyed them! Ghost! I’m going to strangle you!” Lemm screamed. Ghost ran in the opposite direction, and Lemm chased after. Tiso pushed himself into a sitting position, coughing up a bit of blood. 

“I guess I shouldn’t have ordered the Spicy Hopper Steak, huh?” He joked. Everyone groaned. “And also, Quirrel, I’m so sorry. I really wanted to make our first date perfect but I fucked everything up.” Tiso said, tears forming at the corners of his eyes. “I just love you so much and I wanted to make you like me back, so I prepared all of this but it ended up, but I’ve fucked it all up. I’m so sorry.” He cried.

“Don’t worry, it wasn’t actually that bad. Beside the strangely erotic paintings, the tea, and the yelling and screaming, it was actually quite nice.” Quirrel said. “And I love you too, even if this was a shitshow. Just, please let me organize the date next time, okay?” Tiso smiled, wiping the tears off of his face, which was immediately replaced by rain droplets.

“Wait! Zote’s still in the building!” Xena yelled upon realizing, just as the remainder of the building collapsed.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if a lot of things seem random or seem that they happen without cause, I just wanted to write a lot of chaos and a pair of gay bugs


End file.
